My morning began by throwing up. Seven times. Yes, seven times I hung my head over the toilet, thought it was over and then my body rejected more. I came out of the bathroom wanting nothing more than to burst into tears. My struggle with a severe case of pregnancy induced carpal tunnel, daily back pain, past worries of medical problems and my nausea returning had culminated into despair. I was completely selfish thinking I can't handle much more of this. I'm so sick of feeling this way. I was consumed in how awful my body felt and wanted to simply breakdown on my living room floor. For a few minutes, I stood silently bracing myself with the couch. I let all my negative feelings run wild.
I realize how pathetic this sounds but I feel like need to share moments like these on the blog so I can always remember.
Somehow, something just clicked and the thought came: I have things easy. Yes, this pregnancy has been harder than I expected but not nearly as hard other women have it. I can do this, despite what my mind is telling me. My body was meant to handle all of this sickness and weakness... and more. Oh, I have so much more ahead of me. If I buck up now, it'll be an easier 3 months to go.
I have a couple of friends in particular who are going through harder trials right now than my pregnancy. Our problems are not remotely the same. My pain and discomfort will likely be gone in about 12 weeks.... I have it so easy. I have a doctor that I trust and a wonderful husband by my side.... I have it so easy.
This week I had the opportunity of working as a clinician at a summer stuttering workshop. These kids varied in maturity, age and severity but they all shared the common desire to be heard and be seen as no different than those who don't stutter. "I want to finish my sentences without other people finishing them for me." -- "I want other kids to look at me and not just see a stutterer." -- "I want people to treat me like I'm normal when we talk." These comments got to the core of me because, although I have never struggled socially, I've always felt so connected with those who have.
It's interesting how easily I can talk myself right up to a ledge with how hard things are for me and how quick God is to remind me that my life is a great one, an easy one by comparison.
I am so grateful for these humbling experiences.